During Covid, my ex husband and I and our dog went on a camping trip for my birthday. Just the three of us, a tent and our boat. On the morning of my birthday I woke up and made us an extravagant “camping” breakfast and my usual tequila cocktails in our tumbler cups that fit ever so perfectly into the cup holders onto the boat. We had just coasted off the dock and hadn’t made it yet very far in the lake. My ex was doing his usual “DJ set” through the bangin’ boat speaker system….I was settling into my comfy spot with the go in my lap…when he looked at me and said, “Happy Birthday Baby. I have a surprise for you.” All of the sudden the music turned WAYYYY up. Blasting out of the speakers was the sound of a birthday remix done by my (at the time) favorite DJ, Don Diablo. This particular remix was played by Don on his birthday at a live show we saw him at earlier that year in Los Angeles. It was Don’s birthday that day and he played this remix live for us for the first time ever – it wasn’t a released mix. My ex and I danced to this song with our favorite DJ and I remember feeling so much joy and so much love. Hearing this same mix blasting through the speakers on my boat….when I hadn’t heard it since that day at the club…..it filled my soul with so much joy! I was absolutely shocked that my ex managed to find the mix, let alone surprised me with it for my birthday. I stood up and danced on the boat with my heart exploding from my chest. Those three minutes and however many seconds were among the best moments of my entire life. I felt so peaceful, happy, alive and free.

My next most influential birthday memory was in 2022. Just starting to come out of Covid times, me and my ex husband went to Las Vegas to see my favorite rapper, TYGA. I was the most fit that I’ve ever been and I had the sexiest dress that I’ve ever worn. We’d made our way to the front of the stage and I had found this beautiful Brazilian girl that I was dancing with. Our vibe together was undeniably sexy. Next thing I know, TYGA was pointing to her and I and motioning for us to come up on stage. MY FAVORITE RAPPER INVITED ME ON STAGE ON MY BIRTHDAY WHEN I”M WEARING THE SEXIEST DRESS I’VE EVER WORN AND FEELING SO BEAUTIFUL AND FUN AND SEXY. I looked back at my ex, with a longing for “permission” or his “blessing” in my eyes. Please, just tell me to go have fun. Please, just encourage me to go do the thing. Please, receive my heart’s plea for your blessing and give it to me. These were the thoughts and feelings racing through my body in that moment. Instead, he met me with his eyes that told me a different story. His eyes said, “don’t you dare.” I knew this to mean even more than what his eyes were saying. What he meant was, “if you go up there, I’m going to punish you for a very long time and make you regret it. Any moment of fun you have up there isn’t going to be worth the punishment I will dish out to you as a consequence of you having fun without me.” So, I didn’t go. I watched as the beautiful Brazilian girl I was dancing with meandered her way through security guards to get up on stage and then I watched her have what appeared to be the best time of her entire life. And while watching her, my soul sobbed. It was actually in this moment that I decided I was finally ready and wanting a divorce. This experience was the last time I was going to miss out on letting my soul shine for the sake of someone else not being able to handle my sparkle. This was the last time I was going to ask permission to do something I wanted to do. This was the last birthday I spent with my ex-husband.

Yesterday, for my 38th birthday, I attended one of my weekly favorite yoga classes in Ubud, Bali. Taught by one of my favorite teachers in the entire world, he’s become a dear friend of mine and knew it was my birthday. Partway through the class he asked the entire class to come sit in the front of the room so he could offer a demonstration of an asana. This particular class was less attended then normal. His normal classes have upwards of 80 people in them as he’s one of the most popular yoga teachers at the most popular yoga place in Ubud, which is in itself, the yoga Mecca of Bali. So here we are, all 60-ish of us, dripping in sweat as we’ve been in 45 minutes of an extremely challenging vinyasa flow already, and here we are sitting in a circle on the floor staring at our teacher like kindergarteners ready to hear a story. “Kat, would you mind helping me out in a demonstration?” He asks me in front of the entire class. My entire mind, body and soul is screaming, “Oh God no, please don’t make me.” But. I’ve got a soft spot for this teacher. Did I mention he’s my favorite? So…. Despite it being a full body “NO” I responded with an uneasy, “Sure.” I heard Brene Brown’s voice in my head telling me I could do hard things. I began breathing with concerted effort. Inhale, exhale…inhale exhale. Fuck this was going to happen. WHAT WAS HE GOING TO MAKE ME DEMONSTRATE? I began sweating even more than I already was. The next thing I know, he’s talking me into a handstand. I recognize what’s happening from seeing others do it but I’ve myself never done one yet. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I don’t want to do this. I half-assedly kick my legs up and end up awkwardly falling out of my shitty attempt. In front of everyone he explains, “Kat, I’m going to need you to try again and actually commit to doing this with me.” Fuck. I just want to run away and hide and now he’s upped the pressure. I don’t dare disappoint him. Pep talk re-emerges. I tell myself all the people staring at me aren’t there. 3-2-1-GOOOOOO I tell myself as I kick upside down into head stand. Extremely aware of the teacher’s hands on my hips and the 60 sets of eyes watching me as sweat is dripping down my face and making my eyes sting…I take a deep breath. And then, the teacher says, “Alright everyone, today it’s Kat’s birthday. She’s going to hang out here in headstand while we all sing her Happy Birthday.” I can’t even begin to describe what happened to my heart when he said this. I felt so special….so seen….so loved…. So much so that I almost forgot about the throbbing feeling building in my wrists, which were supporting my entire body weight as I’m upside down and inverted on my hands. Has the Happy Birthday song always been so long? It felt like the longest however many seconds the Happy Birthday song lasts of my life. My arms were starting to shake underneath me…my heart still full of butterflies and glitter. And then, the song ended….I was free to come back down to earth. My friend had honored me in a way that tested me to go outside of my comfort zone and made me feel like a badass all at once. The fact that this yoga teacher – my friend – decided to bestow this honor upon me in his class….really was such an honor. Made me feel like a celebrity in a way. Like a very important person. And I AM a very important person. It felt amazing to have someone recognize this in me.

This past weekend I threw myself a fabulous birthday party. I rented a 10 bedroom villa in a party beach town about 1 hour from the city I live in. Invited my 12 best girlfriends here and 2 best guy friends, including the aforementioned yoga teacher from my actual birthday and my Colombian best friend who I met in Cambodia almost two years ago.

UPDATE – I never finished writing this post, as I rarely finish writing any posts. But I’ve decided to publish anyway. Because 70% is better than 0%.